Sometimes I wonder on how perfectly fine days I can become such an emotional recluse. It's as if a switch has been flipped. I find myself ditching my plans, ignoring my phone and sitting on my couch completely silent for hours contemplating the same scenarios over and over in my head. Some days I wake up and I will literally do nothing but lay in complete darkness in my room until I am physically forced to get up. I withdraw into these dark emotional lulls thinking I'm upset over a particular situation, until I ask myself- do you really care that they did that? ...No. You're mad they aren't calling- would you even answer if they did? ...No. You want them to make some huge change, but would you take them back even if they did? ...and the answer is always no.
Here I realize I am more upset ...that I am upset
I'm more annoyed with myself ...that I am annoyed
hurt with myself, that I still can be hurt
and angry, that people still have the power to bring out these feelings.
I realize my problem isn't what they've done, but instead that they have the ability to do so.
I am extremely controlling when it comes to my emotions and my relationships. Everything is a choice, every statement is an option, and every action has a reaction- all of which I analyze before making any form of assertion. Any words I say are true, any emotion I express is real, and anyone I spend time with I care about. I put extreme effort into each and every relationship I have, so I am extremely offended when the same care is not given back to me. It's a sign of true nonchalance, a display of indifference so belittling because I wasn't even worth a moment to consider how it could hurt.
I understand most do not take this much care into their thoughts or actions. Still, it does not make the pain any less. I'm not as hurt by the occurence of the event in question- I'm hurt that this person cares so little for me that they did not realize it WOULD hurt me. I'm not worth the few second pause before to contemplate how I'll feel? I'm not hurt by what you've done- I'm hurt by you not caring if I would be.
Once you've been in a situation that rendered you completely powerless and void of all control, you find yourself scrambling to reclaim control in all areas of your life. You don't realize how badly you will work to regain it until it's gone, and the depths to which minimal, daily scenarios become intensely serious when they don't happen in the way you plan them. You feel as if everything is slipping through your fingers, and you're falling back into the black hole you worked so hard to crawl out of.
I've kept myself from writing because I know that with this release comes an emotional uprising too tiring to initiate. Writing is a soul encompassing endeavor which leaves me both mentally && physically exhausted. Like any true artistic release, the planning to create makes the process stressful, tired and uninspired. The time it is most beautiful, is the time it is also most rewarding- when it is unplanned, undecided, and breathed purely from the power of the moment.
And in that moment, my fingers override my brain. I find them undecidedly pressing the keys, and my focus reverting to an almost mathematical format of letters, commas and synonyms. Time passes, paragraphs are formed and somewhere in the calculation, my tears have dried. I'm now focused on the wording of the thought, as opposed to how the thought itself felt. You can't control how you feel- but you can control what you do with it.
I can't control what someone does to me, but I can control how I react to it.
I can't control pain being inflicted upon me, but I can control what that pain turns into.
I can't control that you were initially able to hurt me
But I can control that you will never be able to hurt me again.